Being Noah Tesfaye #27: I Lost Control

By the title, you can best believe that this week has been extremely difficult for numerous reasons. But rather than going into the details of everything, something I assume would only make me more frustrated about whatever went down this week, I want to take a moment to step back. I want to admit that I’ve lost control. I’ve lost the focus, the drive, the initiative that for so long I felt as though I had a strong grasp of.

Now, this could be for a whole host of reasons. My therapist thinks its because I’m basically stuck inside studying and don’t take enough time for myself. He’s probably right to some extent about that. Honestly, I think that if I did make that choice to work smarter, I could be a stronger student at points. But, every single time I do something for myself, I feel as though I am taking away from the time that I could be studying and working harder. It’s as though every single moment I want to be free and be happy, I feel like I am digging myself into a hole, when in reality, it’s this mindset I’ve lived in that is responsible for this.

For a more personal example, after studying all day long last Sunday, one of my friends asked me if I wanted to see Avengers: Infinity War, and I instantly said yes. Later that week, I could not stop yelling inside my head at myself for doing the right thing. That day, I spent nearly seven hours in this coffee shop I’m working in now studying, reviewing material, and I needed a break. But my unproductive and truly lethal mindset put me into a state of my mind that made my work that week abysmal. It was this mentality that cost me a lot this week. And I, after months, have to admit that I’ve truly lost control.

I don’t know if I mentioned this in a post, I probably did, about my Columbia professor telling me in February to stick to my principles, and live my life to those principles. One of those things I have is to work the hardest I can, but to actually take care of myself. The past few months, I’ve failed at that crucial key and principle in my life. I haven’t gone outside enough. I haven’t spent enough time with my friends outside of school. I haven’t used my time efficiently to take advantage of working, and thus, the second I come, I am burned out, and I don’t have the same excitement I’ve had for subjects I’m passionate about.

But most of all, I’ve been paralyzed with my fear of the future. I have been living my life not truly believing I can accomplish my goals and dreams. This is what stresses me out for no reason at all. For the early part of this semester, I just worked hard and always would just do the most I could everyday and accepted those results.

So where do I go from here? What can I do to ensure I can finish this year the strongest I can, but with control? For starters, I could probably work harder to get excited once again in my work and be passionate about what I do and to be proud of my work. The second and more important step would be to take better care of who I am. Going for a walk or grabbing dinner with friends, literally anything I can do that does not involve me looking at my phone or laptop is a step in the right direction.

I’ve got a few more weeks left, and I will continue to work the hardest I can. Hopefully these next few weeks can truly help make me proud of who I am. I’ll get back to the history and my coffee now. I’ll see you all next week.