Being Noah Tesfaye #15: Needing to Write

This week hasn’t been quite the best week in the world. Granted, I did do some awesome things. I wrote wrote three and co-wrote a fourth article for my school newspaper. I did get the pleasure to meet two political science professors and got to go to a real Stanford class for the first time ever. I was enthusiastic and excited to get this knowledge into my speech for my English class and would like to think I created a somewhat convincing argument to restrict hate speech at universities(we didn’t get a choice on what side, just what topic. For the record, I am for not restricting hate speech in universities at all).

This all goes just to say that I’ve had one of the most strenuous weeks that I enjoyed and I feel like I did nothing. I had some incidents and comments about stuff at school that I wasn’t too comfortable with. I had an incident where at a point I feared for no reason that my academic career could come to an abrupt end. At times, I really believe that I hate who I am and who I’ve become. Sure, I feel like I may be productive, but it isn’t about that. In a time especially when I’m trying to deal with the issues of college stuff and school work in general, I am struggling to find the meaning in it all. That doesn’t mean that I don’t know what I want either. I know that I want to go to a great school, study political science/theory and constitutional law, and help as many people as I can. But it still doesn’t feel like enough.

I don’t shy away from my insecurities. I don’t appear to have them, but I do, and at every single second of the day, I try to find out how I can combat these failures I find in my life in order to secure what I wish to be a life of fulfillment. The problem that I realized early on is that I shouldn’t ever do anything for anyone else. As such, I tried to minimize other people and their involvement to my success. I thought that by doing so, I would be able to come to a point where I would be able to get everything together. That being said, I still don’t believe that I have gotten to the point where I realize that I am truly responsible. It is my responsibility for how well I can succeed and how well I can successfully take advantage of every single opportunity my circumstances have bestowed upon me.

So why am I even writing about this for the blog this week? There’s one simple answer: for my sanity. Every single Saturday, I come and sit down in a coffee shop to escape everything. I write to get a sense of where I am. I write to understand why I’m making the moves that I am. I write to realize where I will go. So no matter what I write about, I know that it is helping me, even if it’s just a little nudge, to really continue to explore who I am. So even if this gives me relief for just the next fifteen minutes, I can refocus onto what I need to become the best person I can become. Even though I don’t know where I will be in a year, I know that this is the one place I can come back to and just scream my frustrations out onto the blog and give myself some sort of hope that a refuge is some place I will find one day. I’ve only found part of it, but I’m on my way there.

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